Red Vs Blu
by Zach Archer
Summary: Two teams duke it out in a battle for supremacy! But when none can win because of the perfectly symmetrical area they are in, can they find another means to take the other down?
1. Prologue: Letter to Dad

Red Vs. Blu

Prologue:

Dear Father,

Having come from a family of immigrants to this place known as Oklahoma, we have had hard times. But when the BLU's appeared, it got even worse. When they declared war on us for being RED, I automatically signed up for the RED army, where I would get special tactical training with the use of chain guns. So would many of my new friends.

Right now, we are holed up in a large building that used to be a huge farmhouse. Across from us, the BLUs have taken another farmhouse that looks exactly like ours. A small bridge across a river of sewage is the only way to get in, other then the sewers. It has been a deadlock for the past ten months, specifically because we mirror each others movements, and can not even touch the others intelligence.

What is in the intelligence briefcase? Why are we fighting over it? I do not know. Maybe some day I will grow the balls to look, but from what I heard from my friend Pyro, whose face is so disfigured he wears a gas mask, is that it is like looking into the Arc of the Covenant, your face just melts off.

Someday I will see you and mother again, and on that day we shall toast our defeat of the BLU's!

Love,

Heavy


	2. Chapter 1: Hells Kitchen: Red Vs Blu

The red sniper slowly inched past the wall, toward the open area, sight trained on the opposite wall of the blu base. Perspiration built up along his brow, dark thoughts of a fast death by the bullet of the blu sniper made more sweat drain from the pores on his forehead.

"TIME TO KICK SOME ASS! YEAH!" Came a scream from behind Sniper. Sniper's concentration was lost and he watch the new kid, some guy with a baseball bat hop onto the cover of the wooden bridge that connected the red and blu base.

"Scout, you idiot!" Came the scream of Heavy as he ran after him.

Scout laughed and swung the bat wildly, as if defending himself from a swarm of bugs. He then hopped onto the blu bases second story...

Only to get shot by the sniper that was hidden behind the wall.

"Damn!" Exclaimed Heavy. "They keep sending these ill-prepared losers and they always get killed within ten seconds. What idiots!"

"HEY GUYS!" Came the screechy, high pitched voice of a teenager.

"See what I mean?" Asked Heavy.

Sniper shook his head.

"Scout number?" Asked Heavy

Scout shook his head and then said. "I remember I am the 1128th scout to be stationed here."

Heavy laughed. "Will you be the last scout sent before the end of the war?"

"I don't know si..." His voice was cut off by the echoing boom of a weapon. Scout flung into the wall and collapsed.

"Shouldn't stand out in the open when the blu sniper is camping like a loser. YOU HEAR THAT BLU?"

The question was replied with a stream of bullets to the dead body of the scout.

"MRPHM?" Asked Pyro.

Standing atop a giant outhouse leading down to the secret "Red Cave" containing their intelligence, Pyro and Engineer stared out toward the blu base.

"I bet you those Blu's are watching us from their secret "Blu Cave" entrance as we speak! They won't expect a machine gun to be placed upon the top of our entrance!"

Pyro responded with some random jumble of words that made no sense before hopping off the entrance and grabbing the nozzle to his flame thrower, gently caressing it as if it were his baby.

Which he thought it was, he had no children, so why not just adopt his flame thrower? At least it was more useful than a crying brat.

Demoman and Soldier sat in the medical area, talking about war as they always did at this time everyday.

"So there I was, trench digger in hand, when all of a sudden, BOOM, there is this huge explosion. I laughed because Medic was getting soaked with blood and body parts..."

"I didn't find it funny." Replied Medic, taking off his coat and sitting down next to Demoman.

"I did!" Soldier laughed.

Spy would then walk in, and be disguised as a woman. Everyone knew it was Spy, they just needed to look at a woman occasionally, just to get away from the reality where they were a bunch of sweaty man staking out in a farmhouse.

It would be eleven months before the red Heavy and Blu Heavy met. They shook hands and sat across from each other on the bridge.

"The war will never get out of this stalemate if we don't quit copying each other. Our scouts continue to get killed, our snipers snipe and evade, our Pyros don't make sense." The blu Heavy shook his head. "I propose we end this once and for all by participating in a reality show."

"What? That's silly!"

"No, that way we will fight on much more suitable terms, we will fight in a way that will leave only one left standing."

"And what reality show do you propose we do?"

"Do you know how to cook?"

"Last season, you watched the ultimate battle of culinary genius take place for the final time in this restaurant. Now, the kitchens are in two separate buildings, and this years stakes are bigger then ever before because the victor of a war will be decided here. It is time for Hell's Kitchen starring Chef Gordon Freeman!"

"EAT BASEBALL BAT ANOUNCER GUY!" Screamed Scout as he smacked the announcer to death.

"Bloody hell, from Black Mesa's finest dining establishment, to this hellhole?" Said Chef Gordon Freeman.


End file.
